Small Things

I miss this.....

Since I've become sensitive to all dairy products, I've missed cheese the most.  I was never a big fan of ice cream unless it was my dad's homemade vanilla ice cream.  Alfredo sauce or a tall glass of milk...ehhh, I can take it or leave it.  Sure, they make non-dairy cheese now, but I've NEVER had any that tasted anything short of YUCK!  Yet, I continue to occasionally purchase different vegan frozen dinners or "cheese" slices in the hopes of finding something that scratches that itch of wanting to wrap my mouth around a big, gooey, hot slice of cheese pizza.  To no avail.

Finally, I found a company that makes a frozen macaroni and vegan cheese, Candle Cafe and, despite my repeated disappointment with trying new vegan items, I bought it anyway.  It was fantastic!  I can't get enough of it and it tastes just like what I remember mac and cheese tastes like.

So, when I was grocery shopping today and ran across a new shredded vegan cheese that was the same cheese used in Candle Cafe's food, I was ecstatic.  All I could think about was how such a little thing had such a powerful effect of making me happy.

I've not been very happy in the last year.  I've had one challenge after another and I can't seem to swim ahead of the constantly flowing current and break loose of the undertow of difficulty, setbacks, letdowns, depression, fear and grief that have made up my life lately.

That's not to say I'm never happy.  I have an amazing husband who has been my rock and has had to carry me as I stumble and trip through life right now. He does so without so much as a grumble.   I'm glad I can make my mortgage payment, I have a  family who is loving, kind and generous, a cat that plays hide and seek with me and makes me laugh, and a large circle of very close friends who push away the clouds for me sometimes.

But I'm not laughing like I used to.  I don't find pleasure in things I used to, such as sewing, writing, drawing and sprucing up furniture.  I don't seek out activities on the weekends that would give me a sense of adventure or add more photos to my photo album and I want to sleep a lot more than I used to.  I'm worried that I'm withering away and I don't know how to climb out of this life that seems dark and heavy.

I'm trying, however, to take baby steps back to the person I used to be.  That's why I wanted to start this blog;  to force myself to experience adventure and put some life back in my life; in all parts of my life. It's hard.  It's going to be the little things, the small things that I force myself to notice that will help me crawl back, I hope.  So, I found some cheese today that I can't wait to taste.  A small thing, yes, but perhaps it will be part of a platter of appetizers that will excite my palate and make me want to crave more.  Bon Appetit!